Looking back on my pregnancy with Quinn if there was one word I would have used to describe how I felt the entire time it would have been ‘afraid’.
We lost two babies very early prior to Quinn, and so when week eight, nine, ten passed… to say we were scared to announce my pregnancy was an understatement. However there was something deep in my bones that told me we needed prayer. We needed the support of our family, friends and community.
Shortly after announcing my pregnancy I started bleeding. I went to the hospital to try and save him, and the rest is history. I’m not quite ready to tell that story just yet. What I wanted to share with y’all today are a few things I’m glad I did – and a few things I wish I had done.
The first thing I am so very grateful for is that we had a professional photographer. My friend Cassie who has taken nearly all of our family photos was on standby the entire time I was in the hospital. Went I went septic she was there and I would have never seen my baby boy if it wasn’t for her beautiful photos. I cherish them immensely.
The second thing I am thankful for is that I wrote a journal the entire time I was pregnant with Quinn. I still haven’t found the courage to read those words, but it gives me solace to know that they are there.
The hospital put together a little basket with sweet momentos that they sent home with Quinns ashes. A tiny blanket that they laid him in, his hospital band, his hand and foot prints, and the tiniest teddy bear I’ve ever laid eyes on.
I would have added a few other things if I had been conscious when he was born. I would have wanted to put clothes on him, and saved those clothes. Placed a tiny diaper on his itty bitty booty and changed it. I would have wanted pictures with both of us in them.
These photos that I have are so incredibly healing. They’re the only thing I have left to remember him by. But it took me almost a year until I could finally look at them.
Since everything that has passed there have been a number of women who I’ve spoken with who have also lost their babies. Some opted not to have photos, some opted to have them. Not a single woman I’ve spoken with regrets having photos taken, but every single one who opted out has regretted NOT having them. I don’t say this to scare you, but in hopes that some mama somewhere who might be struggling with this decision can make an informed one.
I would have laughed more, told others about Quinn earlier, and not lived in fear my entire pregnancy. I know that may be easy for me to say now, looking back. But it’s truly what I wish I would have done. Fully enjoyed my time with him in it instead of fearing and fretting.
I hope this helps at least one mama out there with a heavy heart, full of fear.
xoxo, Callie
