Today marks day six in the hospital – technically day 5 – if you don’t count Friday. On Tuesday little Quinn turned 16 weeks old. On January 31st Quinn will be 22 weeks old and have a 10% chance at life outside my womb – but at least there will be a chance. The next milestone after 22 weeks is 26 weeks (February 28th). At 26 weeks his chances of survival jump to around 80%.
It’s hard for me to lay here thinking of these dates – the doctors only gave us hours on Friday and yet God has sustained us. He’s given us 5 extra days together, which I am so thankful for. Every morning I wake up, still pregnant, I thank God for the miracle he performed the night before – and every night I close my eyes to fall asleep I praise him for the miracle he gave me that day. The miracle of life – of Quinn’s life – strong and growing inside of me.
At any moment that could all change. I could cough too strong, could sneeze too big, and he could be here. Here too soon, and then gone.
The days are a constant battle between hope and despair. At times I feel completely secure in God’s hands and then suddenly my mind is spiraling out of control – focusing on the negative. Repeating what the doctors have said over and over again.
But then I’m reminded of who the ultimate physician is – and that he’s bigger than my current situation. That he knew, as he knit me together in my mothers womb, what my life would look like. That I would give birth to a beautiful daughter, and then loose two precious ones right at 7 weeks each.
My mind can only comprehend my story up until now, and it’s scary trying to fill in the blanks – and utterly useless because I can’t. Only God can. Only he can provide. Only he can sustain this beautiful life – my son – Quinn Alan.
And even if he doesn’t, he is good. I’m prayerfully working on replacing my “what ifs” with “even if”. What if Quinn is born too soon? What if I get an infection? What if my water breaks? These suddenly become – EVEN IF Quinn is born too soon – EVEN IF I get an infection – EVEN IF my water breaks – God is good, and he provides.
One amazing thing that hospital bed rest has given me is time. Time to get reacquainted with God. To talk with him in a way I never have before. To pray without ceasing was something I never knew prior to this time in my life. Every roll in the bed that I make, every time I wake up at night, every weird feeling I feel – I talk with him. And it brings me such peace.
Please continue to pray for Quinn, me, my family, the hospital staff and my doctors. That Quinn will stay in my tummy and grow – that I won’t deliver him too soon or develop further complications – that my family will find peace and rest as they work tirelessly to take care of us – that the hospital staff and doctors will have their hands guided by Christ.
